Q&A with Mr. & Mrs. J
Every month, we will feature a common question we get asked by listeners, along with our answers.
Index of Questions:
- Is it acceptable to ask lifestyle friends about their play experience with another couple? NEW
- How will we know when we’re ready to play?
- I’m afraid my partner will fall in love with someone else. Does this happen?
- Are we too old for the Lifestyle?
- How can we engage in the lifestyle without spending a lot of money?
- How and when will the Joneses re-engage in the lifestyle during this pandemic?
- How can we make certain we’re not revealed as swingers?
- How are the Joneses managing their lifestyle activities during the COVID-19 pandemic?
- How do we meet couples like us?
- Is the Swinging Lifestyle All About Orgies and Group Sex?
- How do I tell my partner I’m interested in the lifestyle?
- How do I know I won’t be jealous?
- How will we know when we’re ready to try the lifestyle?
Q — How will we know when we’re ready to try the lifestyle?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
Most likely you won’t. But answering the four key questions below will get you to the starting line well prepared:
1 | What do you, as an individual, want from the lifestyle?
What interests you about the lifestyle? Do you want to have sex with others? Do you want to watch your partner have sex with others? Are you ready to see your partner enjoy someone else? Is your relationship solid? Are you trying to fix something or avoid fixing something? Honestly asking yourself these questions and reflecting on your thoughts will help to determine the root of your desires and curiosities. It will also help you frame your responses to help you be better prepared to share your answers and thoughts with your partner. This takes honesty and trust. Only you can decide if you’re ready to be this transparent and vulnerable. If you’re not…maybe you’re not quite ready. If you are then…
2 | What do you, as a couple, want from the lifestyle?
What do you expect to get out of the lifestyle? Fun, sexy times with others? A more exciting sex life with each other? A deeper and more intimate relationship with each other? To possibly help mend your relationship? Because my partner really wants this? The answer to these questions are not as important as agreeing on the same reasons. Understanding and being on the same page and sharing this information with other couples will help you connect with the right couple and will make them feel more comfortable with the idea of being with you. If you’re not on the same page here other couples may fill in the blanks with their own (incorrect) reasons which could lead to playtime disaster. If you are on the same page then….
3 | What are you looking for from others?
A four way sexy connection? A sexy social friendship? Someone to fulfill your fantasies? Nameless attractive bodies to enjoy some sexy fun? A close relationship with sexy benefits? In order to come close to experiencing what you want, knowing the answer to this question and being able to communicate it to others is critical. If you are each seeking different things someone might experience hurt feelings which could lead to unwanted drama either during or just after play. If you all want the same things then you’re more likely to have a positive (and sexy) and fulfilling experience. If you both understand and agree on what you’re looking for as a couple then….
4 | How will you deal with those inevitable bumps in the road?
Have you set your rules and boundaries? Do you have an exit strategy if things don’t go as planned? Is your relationship strong enough to withstand a mistake (or two)? Are you prepared to face any issues as a team and attack the problem instead of each other? Someone is going to make a mistake. Yes, avoiding them is preferred but we’re talking about (at least) four humans making decisions in an environment that includes hormones, alcohol, self-imposed pressure and self-doubt. The perfect storm of things can and will happen so being prepared on how to recover is probably the most important skill set a couple can rely upon when (not if) this happens.
Q — How do I know I won’t be jealous?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
Well, you don’t (really, you don’t).
We’ve heard many men and women claim that they are not the jealous type and then experience some sort of jealousy during or after a lifestyle experience. We’ve heard from folks who did not experience jealousy during their first playtime but were then surprised to find themselves in a jealous funk after playing with a different couple. We’ve also heard from couples where neither one experienced jealousy even though they thought they might!
We each had different experiences with jealousy when we first entered the lifestyle. I, Mr. Jones, experienced jealousy during an experience with another couple but it didn’t happen during sex. It happened afterward when Mrs. Jones was simply holding his hand affectionately. Before the same play experience, Mrs. Jones shared with me that she was concerned about feeling jealous because she, “doesn’t like to share.” Then, not only did she not feel jealous, but she enjoyed herself very much.
Jealousy and insecurities are tough things to anticipate and understand. Add an unfamiliar situation, a sexual environment with (practical) strangers, raging hormones and (at least) four human beings together it’s no wonder we can feel overwhelmed and jealous at times.
Even after thoroughly preparing yourselves for that first experience there is only one sure way to know: Give it a try.
For more on the topic of jealousy in the lifestyle, check out WGT Podcast Episode 3 (Jealousy? What’s Up with That?)
Q — How do I tell my partner I’m interested in the lifestyle?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
I wouldn’t recommend just blurting it out.
Consider these three things: research, preparation and timing.
The swinging lifestyle has many different meanings to many different people. Research the different styles so you’ll know how to describe to your partner the particular style that you believe fits you as a couple. Their understanding of what they believe the lifestyle to be is most likely out of date and may cause them to have a negative reaction when you broach the topic. Knowing a little about the range of ways to engage will help prepare you for their inevitable questions.
Re-listen to our podcast on this topic and check out our website for additional lifestyle resources.
Plan the approach you believe will best be accepted by your partner. Know what you want to say and be succinct. Start conversations about your sex life in general to set the tone. Talk about fantasies or new ideas you’ve had about what to do together in bed as a couple. Ease into the idea of the lifestyle after you’ve set the right tone and progressed to more sexy conversations.
Lastly, be prepared to answer some difficult questions like, “why do you want to have sex with other women?”, or “am I not enough for you?”
You know your partner better than anyone else. When would they be most open to this type of conversation? While making dinner after a long day at work and when currently entrenched in spouse/parent mode? Or maybe on a weekend evening, after the kids are in bed, while drinking that second glass of wine?
Also, there is no need to have this entire conversation in one evening. Considering the lifestyle is quite a big ask and may potentially be overwhelming. Break it up into chunks while gauging your partner’s reaction to a sexy conversation that is heading into uncharted waters!
Q — Is the swinging lifestyle all about orgies and group sex?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
The idea of the swinging lifestyle being primarily about group sex seems to be a common misperception for those new to or considering the lifestyle, and grossly misunderstood by those who judge others by choosing this lifestyle. Some have this idea that any hotel takeover, lifestyle club, or house party ultimately turns into one big pile of strangers just rolling around having sex with anyone they might happen to come into contact with.
As we’ve mentioned on our podcast, we view the lifestyle as a world that includes a wide variety of approaches and styles. Voyeurism, exhibitionism, threesomes, hot wifing, individual dating, parallel play, soft swap, full swap, group sex, (and on and on and on….). Also, there are many different types of people wanting very different things based on their own beliefs, desires, and their relationship.
Perhaps it’s how group sex is portrayed in movies, erotic novels and in our own fantasies that contribute to this misperception. Group sex sounds very exciting when fantasizing, but can be very intimidating in real life! In fact, whatever venue, event, or situation you encounter — you always have the absolute right to walk away without fear of judgment or pressure.
The reality is that this swinging lifestyle is what you make it to be. You can create your own pathway and your own pace forward. You can take it slow, or simply dive right into the pile! The ability to choose to do what you want to do and however you choose to do it is one of the greatest attributes of this lifestyle. Go out and make it your own!
Q — How do we find couples like us?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
Here is a slightly over exaggerated message we typically receive from couples:
Dear Mr & Mrs Jones,
We are frustrated by not being able to meet couples like us. We set up our profile on a dating site just like you suggested, and the few people that have contacted us scare us. We will not date locally because we might meet up with someone we know. We have kids at home and have limited availability. We are on a budget and can’t travel to resorts or events. We never share our face pictures because we are well known in our community and someone might download and share them with family and friends. We thought about going to a club but are fearful someone will want us to have sex with them. We won’t go to meet and greets because we don’t want to be seen with other swingers. After all, we have very important jobs and have a lot at stake. Why do you make this all sound so easy?
B&F (not our real initials)
Profile name: 2scared2swing
Okay, I told you it was slightly exaggerated…
Here are the three most important questions to ask yourselves if you really want to meet, connect with, and become friends with couples just like you.
What is Our Thing?
Acknowledging why we want to try the lifestyle and what we want to get out of it is the first step to success. Is this all for fantasy? Do we really want to meet and possibly interact with others? Are we both able to articulate ‘our thing’ in a clear and concise manner? Knowing what we want will help us identify couples that might be a good fit for us. It will also help other couples to see common ground with us and make them more likely to express an interest.
What is Our Risk Appetite?
We have to put ourselves out there to be successful. But how ‘out there’ are we willing to be? Only we can decide where to draw that line but understand and accept the fact that the less risk we are willing to take the less likely we’ll meet that couple. It takes time, resources, energy, patience and a willingness to step beyond what is comfortable to have success. Put ourselves in the shoes of those who may be looking to find us. The more we know about others, the more we’ll know if there is an interest and a possible connection. The less we know about others, the less likely we’ll spend our valuable time trying to learn about them.
What are Our Priorities?
We usually have no problems adding things to our already overloaded schedules in life. The key is learning what to subtract when something is added. In other words, our eyes are bigger than our stomachs when it comes to adding just one more thing to our collective plate. Are we serious about giving this a try or are we just fantasizing and doing some wishful thinking? How important is the idea of exploring the lifestyle to us both? Where will we fit it into our schedule? What resources might be necessary for us to explore this lifestyle on our own terms?
Discussing these three questions as a couple will help level set your expectations and keep things in perspective. The amount of time, energy, resources and risk you’re willing to expend exploring the lifestyle will determine how quickly you’ll experience meeting other couples just like yourselves.
Q — How are the Joneses managing their lifestyle activities during the COVID-19 pandemic?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
Proactively and with an abundance of caution.
First of all — we are both healthy at the moment, as is our family. We have always been health conscious and strive to proactively manage our nutrition and fitness levels. It’s also our priority to educate ourselves on any and all potential medical risks that may affect ourselves and others based on our life choices.
We also believe we have a responsibility to our lifestyle friends and the lifestyle community in general to be thoughtful and considerate with our decisions and actions. We want to lead by example and not just preach to others or share our opinions.
As this pandemic has evolved, our priorities in life have shifted. We are both working from home and are avoiding going out in public unless necessary. We have cleared all of our lifestyle dates and events from the calendar and will not make new plans until we know the worst of this is past. We are leaving the option open to connect with a few close friends and family during this time but will largely remain ‘off the grid’ as our default setting.
Everyone must make their own informed decisions and we urge you to stay informed from a wide variety of news sources, health organizations and local governments. Two resources we recommend are the Centers of Disease Control (CDC) and World Health Organization (WHO) websites.
Lastly, we urge you all to create and participate in as many fun activities as possible during this time! This is not the end of the world. Our children are watching us and want to feel safe and secure. And when our children aren’t watching us, we can take advantage of being in such confined quarters with our sexy partners.
Be safe, be smart and be sexy!
Q — How can we make certain we’re not revealed as swingers?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
The bad news: You can’t.
The good news: You can limit your exposure to match your risk appetite.
Your risk appetite is the level of risk that you are willing to accept while pursuing your lifestyle objectives, before you decide that you must take any action in order to reduce or eliminate the risk. Following these three steps will help you protect yourself from being discovered by someone outside the lifestyle:
Step 1 | Determine your lifestyle objectives
What do you want from the lifestyle? Examples may include:
– To spice up our sex life
– To fantasize about being with others
– To watch others in a live setting
– To play in a live setting but only with each other
– To socialize, connect and make friends with like minded people
– To enjoy sexy fun with others
Step 2 | Determine how you will engage in the lifestyle.
How will you meet and interact with others? Examples may include:
– By meeting and dating other couples locally
– By attending a local meet and greet
– By meeting other couples a certain distance from home
– By visiting a lifestyle club
– By attending a lifestyle weekend event or hotel takeover
– By vacationing at a lifestyle friendly resort
Step 3 | Decide what and how you are willing to share with others
What will you share online and how much more when you meet face to face? Examples may include:
– Real names or pseudonyms
– Face pics or just bodies
– Phone number or a chat app profile name
– Explicit pics or clothed
– Job title or field of work
– Neighborhood or region in which you live
– Family details or generalities
In order to make real friendships you’ll need to trust and disclose more as you progress with a couple. It’s not realistic to think you’ll build genuine relationships without sharing some personal information either in response to something shared with you or as a way to learn more about others.
Also, don’t underestimate that little voice in your head that tells you something is not quite right with a couple. Even if only one of you has this sense, it’s best to slow down or back away completely from the other couple and simply regroup before moving forward again.
This little ‘trust dance’ we do with ourselves and with others is difficult and risky at first but over time will turn into a tried and true process for meeting quality people, making meaningful friendships and limiting the possibility of being outed as a lifestyle couple.
Q — How and when will the Joneses re-engage in the lifestyle during this pandemic?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
The ‘how’ is the easier part of this question to answer. We plan to begin by spending time with well known and trusted friends in either our home or theirs. We’ll have minimal travel outside the home when we’re all together and will be happy simply socializing with real (and sexy) people again!
As the months progress we hope to begin traveling to lifestyle, resorts, larger events and eventually clubs. We will not attend Naughty in N’awlins in July but we do have tentative plans to travel to Desire Pearl in early August. If conditions continue to improve we plan to join many of you in Miami for Podcast-a-palooza in October and then of course we have our annual We Gotta Thing group trip to Pearl in November.
We don’t have plans to visit any lifestyle clubs in the near future but that’s mainly due to the fact that we do not have a local club near us. If we did have a club near us we would want to fully understand their reopening plans and any new processes they might have in place to ensure a clean and healthy environment. And regardless of the event or venue we will avoid large and active playrooms in the coming months and will utilize our own private rooms for play until we feel it’s safer to do so.
The ‘when’ is a bit more complicated. We are getting information from our government leaders at the federal, state and local levels. We are bombarded with information from news organizations, through social media and from our friends and families. We are having ever changing numbers thrown at us every day and reopening plans which vary sometimes from county to county. How are we to make sense of this and make a wise decision?
Whenever you choose to re-engage with the lifestyle it should be when you have done your research and fully understand the risks you are taking and how it might affect you and those around you. We can’t stay locked up forever but neither can we leave our homes and assume everything is magically back to normal. Those of us in the lifestyle have a responsibility to protect ourselves and others, and put safety first over social and sexual desires with others.
So, be smart, be thoughtful, be considerate and be careful.
Q — How can we engage in the lifestyle without spending a lot of money?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
We hear this question a lot and it takes on new meaning these days when our national economies are suffering along with many of our personal budgets as we struggle to manage the impact of the current pandemic.
Considering everything, we choose to restructure the question: Should we prioritize investing in our own relationship in comparison to our other obligations?
This is something many of us find difficult to do. It seems in vogue to overextend ourselves financially when it comes to our children and other material things in life. After all, we want to give our kids the best, right?
We believe the gift of time with each other is the most important investment we can make as a couple. We want to model a healthy marriage for our kids and grandkids. We want to grow our relationship and know each other deeply. We view our investment in the lifestyle to be an investment in each other.
Also, using the word investment instead of the word cost helps us focus on our friendships and our time and not just our money. How much time do we want to spend together and what types of activities will we choose? A local dinner date with another lifestyle couple costs no more than a date night out with each other. A trip to Desire or to a weekend lifestyle event costs about the same as other similar non-lifestyle trips.
Of course there are always ways to pinch pennies and eliminate extra costs no matter how you choose to live and spend your money. Frequent flyer programs, driving instead of flying, sharing lodging with others, bringing your own alcohol, traveling during the off-season, and so on.
The bottom line for the Joneses is this: How can we not invest in something so important as our marriage, our lifelong friendships, a healthy sex life and the growth we experience as individuals as we experience life together?
How about you? Care to join us?
Q — Are we too old for the Lifestyle?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
OK. OK. But before we answer, let us ask you a question or two: Are you too old to make new friends? Are you too old to learn new things? Are you too old to grow as a couple? Are you too old to have fun? Are you too old to take care of your body? Are you too old to have sex?
It’s all about having confidence in yourself and having a positive outlook on life. Answering the questions above in the affirmative tells us you’re the type of couple we’d enjoy meeting and learning more about. As a matter of fact, the older you are, the more inspirational you can be to others when you have such a forward-thinking outlook.
It’s no secret that we are closer to the upper end of the age range in the lifestyle. We would be less than honest if we didn’t admit to dwelling on that fact more and more as we continue to age. 60 is just around the corner!
Why would anyone want to be with someone who has wrinkled skin? Bags under their eyes? Gray in (what’s left of) their hair? Or someone who can’t dance like they used to or aren’t as flexible as they used to be? Or for a guy, who maybe can’t get an erection as quickly as they did 20 years ago?
But according to the friends we’ve made, we seem to be the only ones bothered by this. So, if it doesn’t bother them, then why should it bother us?
Yes, we know. It’s not quite that simple to change your outlook overnight (especially at this stage in life). So change your question in order to change your life. Are you too old to make new friends? Are you too old to learn new things? Are you too old to grow as a couple? Are you too old to have fun? Are you too old to take care of your body? Are you too old to have sex?
Of course you’re not.
One last question. Why should we let the youngsters have all the fun?
Q — I’m afraid my partner will fall in love with someone else. Does this happen?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
This is a real fear for many considering the lifestyle and yes, it has happened. We believe that depends on the strength of the relationship at the start. The only relationship we have to go by is our own. What we can do is offer you a few questions to help you examine where you are now and perhaps whether you’re ready for more, as a couple.
Do I love my partner? Does my partner love me? Do we have a solid relationship? Do we trust each other completely? Are we getting into this lifestyle for reasons that support our relationship? Are we each making a conscious decision that we want to try the lifestyle? Is my partner making me feel like I am the number one priority as we move ahead with the lifestyle?
The two of us have found that we tend to develop feelings for people as a couple. We are attracted to couples in healthy and stable relationships. We are closer to some couples than others. But these are feelings of deep friendship, gratitude, and admiration — they are not the same type of feelings we have for each other.
We’ve also each had strong connections with individuals in the lifestyle. Mrs. Jones may feel a stronger connection with the other man than I do with the other woman (or vice versa). But these connections pale in comparison to how we feel about each other. Besides, we are only getting the fun and sexy side of others we connect with and understand our life partners are so much more than that.
We understand the depth of our love and know that there is nobody else out there that can come close to replacing what we have together. With our own relationship not lacking anything, there is little room for a desire to replace what we’ve built together over 30 something years.
We realized that we were putting our relationship at risk when we first made the decision to give the lifestyle a try. We also realize we are still at risk and cannot have an attitude of complacency. But we continue to trust our relationship enough to know that if we make a mistake we have the foundation to withstand and recover together in a healthy way.
Each of you must decide for yourselves if the potential rewards of being in the lifestyle are worth the risk to your relationship. Our job is to help you make this decision with your eyes (and minds) wide open.
Q — How will we know when we’re ready to play?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
There is no standard answer to this question. Playing (otherwise known as having sex with, interacting with, swapping with, etc.) is the premise that attracts most of us to the idea of the swinging lifestyle. There are other benefits of the lifestyle, but let’s be honest: having sexy fun with others is most intriguing. To help find your answer, start by asking yourselves the following questions:
- Do you actually want to have sexy fun with others? This might sound like a silly question but perhaps it’s the idea of being with others or fantasizing about playing with others that is driving your interest. Confusing fantasy with reality could lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings down the road.
- Have you discussed and agreed upon your play style? Don’t forget our golden rule on this one: play at the level where both of you are most comfortable. Don’t allow peer pressure or fantasy to cloud your thoughts on this one.
- Have you described the type of couple with which you’d like to play? The spectrum of answers to this one spans from physical appearance to strength of the relationship to level of lifestyle experience to personality to…well, you get the picture.
- Do you have a plan for seeking out and meeting such a couple? Maybe you are both ready to play and looking for a couple or maybe you’ll meet a couple and realize you want to play. Either way it’s best to discuss and have a plan.
- Are you willing to be patient and not settle for something less? HINT: The answer here should be yes. It’s always best to play with a couple because of your attraction and connection to the other couple and not because you’re at an event and you feel pressure to settle for any available couple.
Maybe you’re ready, or maybe it’s about time to get ready!
Q — Is it acceptable to ask lifestyle friends about their play experience with another couple?
A — Mr. & Mrs. J say…
There is a fine line to be walked when sharing details about play experiences with others (especially if you host a podcast). The line that should (almost) never be crossed is naming names or even inferring who the other person or couple might be. That’s a big no-no.
Let’s start on the good side of that line. Sharing sexy play experiences with others can be very hot! It’s also a good transition technique when you’ve met a couple and want to try to shift the conversation from more casual to more sexy. Not only does it change the mood but you can begin to learn what the other couple enjoys or finds intriguing while sharing your interests and fantasies with them.
On the other side of that line, sharing names of those you’ve played with is wrong for a few reasons. First of all it’s a huge breach of trust. The lifestyle community demands discretion for obvious reasons and if we are to expect others to protect our identities we must do the same for them.
Secondly, when someone shares such personal information with us it’s a big red flag. Our view is: if they are going to share information about others with us, it’s highly likely they would share information about us with others.
Lastly, when negative views are shared, we are only hearing one side of the story. There are many legitimate reasons things didn’t go so well and one of those reasons may be that the couple doing the talking played a part in the experience.
Personal safety may be the only good reason to share the identities of another person or couple. You’ll have to decide for yourselves to share or not and how much to share. Depending on the seriousness of your experience, it may be sufficient to spare the detail and simply say something like, “We’ll never play with him/her/them again.”
Fortunately the vast majority of people in the lifestyle community have good intentions and take the same amount of care to protect you as they do protecting themselves. Best of luck to you all!