Unfortunately, performance anxiety exists in the lifestyle. I’m not referring to a male diagnosed medical condition that can hopefully be treated with medication. The performance anxiety that I’m addressing is a temporary physical malfunction brought on by stress or possibly another factor such as alcohol consumption.
We tout the lifestyle as a fun, sexy environment where we can meet new friends, have naughty erotic encounters, and live out some awesome fantasies. However, the reality is that we often find ourselves in stressful, high pressure situations where we have to make really big decisions on the fly. And these decisions not only impact us as individuals, but also our partners. This becomes easier with experience, but sometimes the stress of having sex with virtual strangers never really goes away.
So it’s no wonder that men occasionally experience performance issues during play time. Think about it: He is trying to impress and please a beautiful woman that he doesn’t know well. He has possibly never played with this couple before so he doesn’t know the secret triggers that will turn on this beautiful new lady. And then at the same time he needs to keep an eye on what is going on with his partner and the other man. Is he treating her with care and respect? Can he trust this other man enough with the love of his life so that he can relax and enjoy this new lady?
Sometimes the answer is no – a man cannot relax enough in this unfamiliar situation to experience an erection. So what happens now? Does someone need to blow a whistle and call time out – play time is over? No way! Getting frustrated or making a big deal of it is definitely not going to fix the issue. Ladies, the struggle going on inside your play partner’s head most likely has nothing to do with you. He could be struggling with his own self-confidence issues or he may be anxious about seeing the love of his life having sex with the love of your life, especially if they are new to the lifestyle. We need to do our best to put the gentleman in distress at ease. There are other ways to have sexy fun with someone other than penetrative sex. Consider it a challenge to be creative!
I know, I made that sound like it’s easy. I have to admit that I took it personally the first few times this happened to one of my play partners. I convinced myself that I wasn’t sexy enough to turn this new guy on. I thought my age, my stretch marks, my cellulite, my…. (insert personal body image hangup here) was turning this guy off. He figured out that I’m not a 20 year old Victoria’s Secret model and wasn’t into having sex with me. So my lack of confidence kept me from moving forward with our playtime and finding ways to have fun even though he couldn’t get hard. And then when I hesitated and didn’t know what to do, this reaction crushed the ego of my already struggling play partner and the sexy fun was over.
And finally, don’t be afraid to talk about it after the experience is over, especially if you are friends with this couple. We are all human, and body parts don’t always work like they should. While it may initially sting your ego that this guy couldn’t perform with you, it’s most definitely bothering him more. He wouldn’t have agreed to play with you in the first place if he didn’t find you sexy. Whether it was anxiety or too much alcohol, he wanted to have sex with you! Having a conversation amongst the four of you about the experience may bring about some strategies to employ in the future to put him (and other future play partners) at ease so that everyone will have a more positive sexy experience next time!