A Swinger’s Guide to Finding Unicorns

A Swinger’s Guide to Finding Unicorns

by Chris Watkins

“Unicorns,” also known as single women, are sought-after partners for many couples in swinging relationships; but, as the name implies, finding “unicorns” can be incredibly difficult for most people. 

A casual search online turns up a long list of articles that don’t offer helpful tips. Many of them are merely swinger relationship advice about goals and boundaries. Quite a few, most notably from the polyamory community, offer negative criticism for couples who only want to use a woman as a sex toy. 

My wife and I have successfully enjoyed the company of single women in a way that was rewarding for all involved. The information that follows is based on our experience.

Ground Rules for Finding Unicorns

Before you hunt for a unicorn there are some things you should know. For starters, the term “unicorn hunting” is a bit contentious within some circles. It implies that the single woman is an object and not a human with needs and emotions. Single women are regularly propositioned by couples in a ham-fisted way that can make them recoil from the whole concept. 

Nothing repels a unicorn like the impression she’s merely a play toy. If the arrangement is deceptive or involves an expectation of exclusivity, you’re doing it wrong. While you and your spouse may only play together, you can’t expect your single female to eschew all others for your threesome relationship. 

My wife and I have successfully enjoyed the company of single women in a way that was rewarding for all involved. 

Similarly, you must remember that men and women operate very differently when it comes to sexual propositions. While single men can also be scared away from couples, there’s no doubt that a more forward approach works just fine for many of them. Single men often jump at the opportunity for casual sex with a married woman or couple. Enticing a single woman into your sex life involves far more displays of respect, subtle flirting, fun conversations, building anticipation, and moving at her pace. Don’t expect her to play on the first date or with both of you together right out of the gate.  

Before seeking out single women, you should do your homework within your relationship to establish your objectives, goals, and boundaries. Much has been written about this, so I’ll leave that to the experts. But if you’re looking to bring home a single woman, you and your partner should be in alignment or else risk scaring off your new female friend. She can tell when you’re approaching her for all the wrong reasons. 

Unicorns Are Hard to Detect, Not Hard to Find

It’s no secret that available single men are ubiquitous. The very imbalanced nature of sexual dynamics requires men to advertise often and everywhere in order to get lucky. They make their presence known. Unicorns, on the other hand, do not have to announce themselves. They have plenty of options available to them, especially if they’re bisexual and open to couples. 

Within the swinger Lifestyle, single women know their value. They usually have other partners with whom they’re currently involved, and they’re quite popular at clubs and events. Approaching single women outside the Lifestyle may appear to be a fool’s errand, but open-minded single women are not as rare as they appear. Although most single women are looking for a primary partner, couples are not exclusively off the menu. The modern acceptance of female bisexuality has made threesomes just as popular with single women as it is with married couples. 

Ladies Lead the Way

Let’s face it, men: whereas you may be the coordinator of all of your Lifestyle adventures or a notorious seducer in your past life, this is one situation where your wife should probably take the lead. Single women are more likely to be receptive to a friendly married lady. If playing with couples isn’t top of mind for them, a married man’s advances could be interpreted as unseemly or creepy. Since single women seem to feel less threatened by another woman, your wife has a better chance of connecting with a unicorn than you do. 

You also have to make your intentions known at some point. Your new single female friend should see (or at least detect) that your married relationship doesn’t fit within the strict monogamous box. This news is almost always best delivered by the wife of the couple. A fairly common scenario, which has worked many times for us, is for the wife to find a single woman she finds appealing and fun. Once the bond between them is set, the husband helps move things along with a casual, friendly and supportive approach. By being a facilitator, instead of an initiator, the husband’s relationship and mutual attraction with the single woman can grow organically in a non-threatening way. Sometimes you get lucky. The single woman is excited by both of you, and you can hop directly into the threesome you’ve always wanted. Great! 

A fairly common scenario, which has worked many times for us, is for the wife to find a single woman she finds appealing and fun.

More likely, your first encounter will involve the wife and the single woman enjoying one another’s company while the husband enjoys the show. If you’ve played your cards right, during the course of play – or during later sessions – he may be invited to bed when the thrill of intimacy has piqued the single woman’s desire for more.

A less common scenario involves a single woman who is primarily into the man, but not the woman. This can present some new challenges for the married couple who exclusively plays together. Much like the single male scenario where the woman enjoys the company of two men who don’t play together, couples have to navigate this unicorn experience where the man becomes the primary focus of attention. 

Where to Find Unicorns

Now for the meat of this article. What follows are the obvious and less obvious places you can find willing single women, along with the pros and cons of each. 

Lifestyle Websites

Everyone on Lifestyle sites knows the deal: You’re interested in sexy relationships. Luckily, there are now more options available for couples who want to add single women to their playtime. Apps like Feeld and Catch are specifically designed for people who want more variety. 

Pros | Single women on Lifestyle sites are there to meet other people for sexy play. You don’t have to hide your intentions. You can be more forward in your approach. 

Cons | The ratio of single men to single women on Lifestyle sites hovers around 20 to 1 (or more). That means that single women are constantly being propositioned. Unless you have a winning introduction email, you’re likely to be ignored. 

Lifestyle Events

One of the easiest ways to meet unicorns is at Lifestyle events. It also goes without saying that the best way to meet a trustworthy and fun single woman is through your own network of Lifestyle friends. 

Pros | Since you’re meeting them in person, you can skip the awkward online chatting and get to know them in real time. You can also make your intentions known upfront without feeling self-conscious. 

Cons | Some events don’t have single women or, when they do, the women are there with a couple already. Just like the Lifestyle sites, single women tend to get approached quite a bit. You’ll be one of a handful of couples who have taken an interest in them that night. 

Vanilla Dating Sites

I’m using the term “vanilla” simply to distinguish sites like Tinder and Bumble from your standard Lifestyle apps. Many of these sites have started to acknowledge ethical non-monogamy, and they’ve added a married couple category for people seeking singles. 

Pros | Tons of single women.

Cons | Most aren’t looking for a couple, and many of them downright hate being approached to be a third in your bedroom. It’s going to be awhile before the traditional singles scene warms up to the sexual possibilities with swinging married couples. Although some people have found success on these sites, it comes with a fair amount of rejection and hostility. 

Bars & Clubs

Believe it or not, there are plenty of single women outside of the Lifestyle who are open to meeting couples, it just isn’t on their immediate radar. While finding them requires some time and finesse, the best place to meet new women is where they go for a fun night on the town. We have friends who’ve met every one of their single women companions in nightclubs. Again, the wife takes the lead until she finds a woman with whom chemistry exists for both partners. They foster a friendship that develops into more over time. 

Pros|Lots of single women

Cons|It takes time to establish the relationship, and your chance of a one-night stand are limited. If you try to rush the process you’ll end up looking like a creep.  

Vanilla Friend Circles

It’s a common understanding that you don’t mix Vanilla friends with the Lifestyle. However, this has been our most successful method for meeting single women partners. It wasn’t our intention to “flip” anyone, it just happened to work out. With ethical non-monogamy and bisexuality reaching more common acceptance, many single women outside of the Lifestyle feel much more comfortable with couples they already know and trust. 

Pros | Skip the awkwardness and lack of trust with a stranger. Easier to set up encounters outside of noisy public spaces. 

Cons | You may out yourself if you’re not careful, and it’s possible for feelings to develop if you haven’t put in the work to establish the parameters of play. Both of these can’t be understated. The need for trust and mutual respect is paramount. 

Finding Unicorns Requires Effort

Whereas single men are eager to play with married women and couples without much work, single women typically move slower and won’t readily hop into bed with just any couple who comes along. Ironically, finding unicorns within the Lifestyle community is much more difficult than one would imagine. This is largely due to the plethora of play options available to single women in their everyday lives and the fact that many Lifestylers approach the arrangement all wrong. 

If you try to rush the process you’ll end up looking like a creep. 

Look outside of the most obvious places, and you’ll find plenty of single women who relish the idea of establishing a mutually respectful and satisfying relationship with a swinging couple. If handled correctly, a swinging couple represents the best of both worlds for some women. They get to play with a man, fulfill their bisexual desires, and have a friendly relationship with a mostly no strings attached dynamic. If you’re authentic and open about your goals and boundaries, many unicorns are game to the idea. 

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