Growing in Confidence

by Mr. Ygk

My name is Mr. Ygk. I am part of a long time swinging couple. I am now in my mid 40’s (ok, late 40’s). Gender roles were not like they are now in the 70’s. Boys were supposed to act like boys and girls were supposed to act like girls — and there were pretty rigid ideas about what that meant.

What resulted, for me, was a life plagued by insecurities about my body, especially my penis size. Growing up, pretty much the only way boys could find out if we were ‘normal’ was to steal our dads’ VHS porn tapes. Doing that made me feel ashamed to realize I didn’t measure up! I didn’t see the fallacy in believing that a porn actor’s penis was the measuring stick to live up to (pun intended).

I have always been a grower as opposed to a show-er. That added to my self esteem issues as an adolescent. I didn’t play sports once I got to high school for fear of being nude in a locker room with other guys. In the school yard, it seemed all the other boys were bragging how big their cocks were. Add to that the obvious and undisputed truth we believed: all women think bigger is better.

All of that conspired to solidify my suspicions that my penis was below average and sub-par.

My feelings of inadequacy were so great that I recall feeling that if I ever needed medical treatment to my nether region, I’d let myself die rather than suffer the embarrassment of having anyone (yes, even a doctor) see my junk. Imagine that. As a child, I thought I would rather die than suffer the embarrassment of letting anyone see how small I was.

Some men may understand the term “nervous bladder,” where a person finds it difficult to use a urinal in the company of other men. I was afflicted with this condition too. I have to assume there are more than just “penis size issues” that cause this, but maybe not.

I’m not sure if these issues resonate with anyone else, but I can’t imagine I was/am the only person who has experienced feeling like this.

I have come to discover, well into my adulthood, that I actually have an average sized penis. It is a shade over or under six inches, depending on the strength of my erection.

What else has changed? Well, first and foremost, I am just older and wiser. That helps for sure, but I think there is more to it. My journey to self confidence actually began when my wife and I started to regularly attend a swingers club.

Mrs. Ygk and I had been to a few small swinger clubs in the past. For some reason I had always resisted going to any of the bigger clubs near us. I don’t recall ever being able to identify why, but I am pretty sure it was all about self image.

Through a series of unplanned events, including being stood up for a lifestyle date after making hotel reservations for a few nights in city, we decided to try that larger club. We were instantly hooked, and have been back several times since. On our second visit, someone said something that may seem simple, but it was the catalyst that began to change things for me.

I was walking from the playroom area into the changing room, nude and sporting a flaccid-yet-happy (sorta semi erect) penis. As I passed a man standing in the hall, he quipped, “Be careful, you’re gonna whip someone with that thing.” Initially, I was confused. Being the typical blockhead I am, I actually asked Mrs. Ygk what the person meant. We ultimately decided it was a good-natured compliment.

A few visits later, I was walking in the changing room, and one of the staff working said something like, “Woah, hi there!” as I walked by nude.

Full disclosure: These two people who commented on my junk (lol, makes me smile to say that), were a male transvestite and a gay man. But I’ll be honest: It didn’t matter to me that they weren’t women. In fact, that may have been the reason it impacted me so much. It made me feel good that another guy thought I was adequate, maybe even impressive.

Another time during a club visit, I was periodically watching the couple beside us on the lower mattress while Mrs. Ygk and I were playing with each other nearby. I observed that the gentlemen had a penis that was below average size. I watched his partner lovingly fondle and orally satisfy him. As she was doing this, she appeared to shield him from view of the rest of the room. As someone who had struggled with body image worries my whole life, I recognized it in the eyes and body language of this man. It was an important moment for me, because this woman, she was beautiful. She was the type of woman who I always assumed would expect nothing less than a monster cock. The type of woman that I would consider to be way out of my league.

Revelation number two: Maybe not all women think bigger is better.

I realized at that moment (or perhaps after obsessively analyzing the experience after the fact), that maybe I have been a bit hard on myself over the years.

That woman didn’t need a super sized cock. That man made love to her and she was clearly enjoying herself. He was rocking her world! Maybe my wife hadn’t been lying when she said (for years) she didn’t want a larger penis, and finds Big Boys too painful, and was completely satisfied with average.

The next several months I felt like a new person! I had confidence. Remember that nervous bladder? Gone! I had an average penis and I was happy about that! I was big enough to satisfy (most) anyone but not too big to hurt anyone, either.

What I’ve found in the months following these experiences is that confidence is a fluid thing. When life is busy and keeping us from sexy fun at the club, I can devolve back into those old feelings of inadequacy or at least wavering certainty about my adequacy. Without the positive reinforcement of the club environment, I find myself feeling many of those old image issues returning. Fortunately, New Years Eve is only a few weeks away and the club is hosting a great event we’ll be attending and I can’t wait!

Mr. Ygk
Kingston Ontario
@ygkcouple (twitter)

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