By “A Companion for the Journey”- a theologian, educator, and pastor who follows the Christian tradition and has found a home in the Ethically Non-monogamous (ENM) community
There are a lot of rules in our society. It may seem that we have rules for everything. Some rules are in your face, and some are much more subtle. For example, every swinger knows not to talk about religion on a first date with another couple, right? 😊 An example of a more subtle rule might be, don’t dis your spouse – it’s just not sexy. Rules are all over the place, even in religion. Many Christians know their faith primarily as a set of rules. Whether overtly or subtly, many religious practices are about rules – God loves you, especially when you don’t sin. So, it is natural for Christians to begin considering that lifestyle by rethinking the rules. Some Christians give a lot of thought to the meanings of words, like “sin,” “immorality,” and “adultery.” As a practicing theologian and long-term professional minister, I notice that merely changing the rules rarely helps people find permission to explore swinging as a part of their faith journey. Rules are binary – yes-no, good-bad, up-down. For me, Christianity is about growing relationships. So, how can Christians find permission to explore their sexuality in the context of relational faith?
Many people of genuine faith and practice have asked, “Is the swinging life compatible with Christianity?” In all honesty, I can’t possibly answer that question for you. My problem with the question lies not in the question itself. It seems to be a fair question, and for many, a crucial question. Yet, it is also problematic. The problem lies in how the question requires us to make many assumptions before we can propose an answer. For example, what version of Christianity does one have in mind? While many people in America think of themselves as Christian, Americans see Christianity in surprisingly different ways. One also must make some assumptions about swinging. What is swinging? Some call it a lifestyle. Others hold it as a kind of hobby. Still others see it as an expression of their humanity. While the question about the compatibility of swinging and Christianity is often heartfelt, it is also not helpful, because the question cannot have definitive answers.
I see a deeper problem with the question. It does not get to the point. In my snarkier moments, I have been tempted to respond, “Who cares if the faith is compatible with swinging?” Underlying the question of compatibility is another, deeper issue about permission. Many Christians are asking this question, “Are swinging activities acceptable for my version of Christianity?’ I think permission is valuable, especially when starting a new adventure. Whenever I have permission, I feel freer to engage in the unknown – to pursue a new activity or involvement. Permission often does not tell us whether swinging is suitable for Christians. This is the point: permission only tells us what is possible. It cannot tell us what we ought to do. More importantly, permission cannot tell Christians who they are in Christ.
There they are: my cards are on the table. I have a particular interpretation of Christianity in mind. My version of Christianity is one in which the Christian’s identity is drawn from their relationship with Christ. A relationship with Christ can be seen on a spectrum from principle to more concrete identification with God. Some see Christ as a principle, emblematic of Divine love, which they hope will guide people to live and love, considering that Divine love. Some see Christ more personally, often identifying in a personal relationship with Jesus. Wherever one is on this spectrum, they draw their identity from Christ. Being Christian, left, right, or center, is about our identification with Christ. From that identification, we are often encouraged to formulate our identity. The Christianity I have in mind here exhorts Christians to intentionally reflect who they are in Christ.
If you have followed my logic so far, you might be able to anticipate where I am going. Being a Christian makes me ask, “How does this activity, whatever activity one might wonder about, intersect with my identity in Christ?” From this perspective, activities have value and are morally good whenever they help me be the person God made in me. Conversely, my faith moves me to reject any activity that distracts or takes me away from the person I am in Christ. Swinging is like any other activity or orientation one might consider. It is morally neutral. What matters is how we use it, and if that use is congruent with who are in Christ.
Here’s the problem at the heart of spiritual formation – How do we know which activities are congruent with our identity, and which are not? To be sure, there are broad principles that Christians have used to affirm what is Christ-like and what is not. For example, “Let love be without hypocrisy, abhor what is evil, cling to what is good, be devoted to one another in kindred love, give preference to one another in honor” (Romans 13:9-10). Broad Biblical principles like this are wonderful and yet contain an infinite number of possible applications. Being Christian is not a matter of directly applying Biblical rules, but of interpreting situations and discerning what Christ in us means within those situations. Christian action often listens to Scripture and reads it in the light of Christ’s leading. Working out a Christian identity is usually a matter of practicing the faith, following the best we can, and being willing to be honest with ourselves about the outcomes. Not everything in the broad possibilities of swinging is laudable or congruent with Christ.
Here is where the compatibility of Christianity and swinging matters. The Bible gives us permission to explore and experiment. The Bible says, “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable” (I Corinthians 6:10). Within the context of an authentic relationship with Christ, there is permission to figure out who we are. The Bible says, “Work out your salvation …” (Philippians 2:12). So, one might think of swinging as a context in which we are working out what it means to be in Christ. The faith and swinging are compatible, at least to the extent that God can teach Christians about being in Christ.
Swinging is attractive to some and repulsive to others; many people probably fall somewhere between the two. I submit that each Christian needs to find a positive reason to be in the swinging context. There is permission to play, and that’s no small thing. And, over the expanse of time, the question is less about compatibility or permission. The question Christians considering the lifestyle need to ask about swinging is, “Why?” Why should you be in the lifestyle? How does this lifestyle association enable you to be the person you are in Christ? To the extent that the lifestyle empowers Christ in you, it is probably a good and morally acceptable Christian action. Conversely, swinging can never be in the driver’s seat. The Bible warns, “All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything (I Corinthians 6:12).
You may have noticed that I did not answer the question, “Is it okay for a Christian to be non-monogamous?” You can answer this question only for yourself, as I must decide for myself. While I won’t give direct answers, I do think it is important for pastors to offer spiritual guidance. So, here is the spiritual guidance I have to offer … Seek to know who you are in Christ. I believe the Bible gives us a great deal of space for exploration of our Christian identity, even in sex. The Bible also exhorts us to protect our identity in Christ, even from good things. Your identity in Christ is the main thing. When you keep the main thing – the main thing, all of the other pieces of life very often fall into place, over time. I hope this article has inspired you to engage this important question in new ways, and perhaps even to engage yourself and Christ in some new ways..