by Mrs. Jones

One of the most common requests of all the messages I receive from ladies in the lifestyle is information on how to better please their partners. The ladies often ask me to recommend resources on blow job techniques (probably because I have talked about reading blow job books on our podcast).   

But, honestly, I think we are focusing on the wrong thing when we consider ways to please our partner, whoever that may be at the moment. Of course technique is important. If you don’t know what you are doing, the other person is likely to get frustrated or bored. But technique without enthusiasm is only so satisfying. I think the perfect combination is a little bit of skill and a lot of enthusiasm.

“Technique without enthusiasm is only so satisfying.”

By enthusiasm I don’t just mean energy or stamina. I’m talking about a true desire to connect to the other person. Are you showing the person you are with that you enjoy giving them pleasure? If you are truly enjoying yourself and your desire to bring pleasure to your partner is apparent, then a good time will be had by all.  

How did I learn this? Well of course I read it in a book! The first book I read on sexuality was Lou Paget’s How to Be a Great Lover: Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques That Will Blow His Mind.  I read this book years and years before we began to explore the lifestyle. Our kids were grown, and we were refocusing on each other. This book was life-changing for me. It gave me permission to be brave and step out of my sexual comfort zone. Yes, the book gave me sexy ideas and new techniques to try. But more importantly, it gave me a new attitude.

I realized that oral sex isn’t just about the receiver — it is also extremely satisfying for the giver if you think about it. Society often portrays blow jobs as an act that men force women to do to get pleasure. It is a woman’s duty to give her husband a birthday blow job, for example. Or when you watch porn, the guy will grab the girl’s hair and force her head back and forth so that he is in control. After reading the book and subsequently plotting and planning new techniques that I wanted to try out on Mr. Jones, I realized that giving someone pleasure is actually empowering for me. Your partner becomes putty in your hands, completely open and vulnerable at that point in time and trusting that you will help them achieve the pleasure that they are craving. And they are craving it because you have seduced them into that state of pure desire.

“…if my goal is to make Mr. Jones crazy with desire and my focus is on pleasing him, then I’m going to have a great time as well.”

Hence, I learned that I can please my partner with my mind as well as my body. I realized that if my goal is to make Mr. Jones crazy with desire and my focus is on pleasing him, then I’m going to have a great time as well. The mechanics of the event become less important than the powerful connection we share. And then as we began to explore the lifestyle, I eventually realized that if I could relax enough to pay attention to the response of the other person, then my technique would be good enough to please any partner. An orgasm as the end goal is a lot of pressure for both the giver and the receiver. A sexy, sensual mental connection is a huge turn on for me, with technique as the icing on the cake.

So don’t just focus on the task at hand, focus on the whole person. Make eye contact, smile, take your time, tease a little bit, enjoy the journey. Don’t focus on the end game. Focus on the moment. Try to read the person and what they want instead of focusing on your technique and worrying about whether or not you are doing it right. I think that is the secret to sexy success!

caricature of Jessica Jones