Spoiler alert:  Love has everything to do with my marriage and nothing to do with swinging. . .  Well, now that I’ve said it, can I get back to my cup of coffee? But wait you say, you are having sex with others.  How can that act successfully fit into a marriage based on love and commitment?

OK, let’s back up the train for a minute.  My marriage is the most important relationship in my life, not counting our children of course.  I spent decades working on my relationship with Mr. Jones, always putting the needs of our marriage first when considering any life decisions.  So when we discovered the swinging lifestyle and contemplated whether or not it would work for us, I wondered how I would feel about having sex with someone else.  Or how I would feel watching Mr. Jones having sex with a beautiful, intelligent and interesting woman.

I was concerned that he would find someone else sexier than me, funnier than me, more interesting than me, smarter than me, more talented in bed than me, prettier than me, back to sexier than me.  Ugh, I have to stop – this is depressing! Yes, I’m the mother of his children, and I’m the one who keeps our household running. But that also means that I’m the one who complains when the car makes a funny noise and I’m the one who nags when something in the house is broken and I’m the one who fought with our teenage girls and he had to be the mediator.  Being someone’s life partner isn’t always sexy….

However, thankfully there is a flip side to that depressing rant.  I am also his soulmate. I know what makes Mr. Jones tick. I know just what to say to him when he has a bad day, and I’m the first one he turns to when he has something to celebrate.  I’m his trusted advisor when he has a big decision to make, and I’m his cheerleader when he embarks on a new scary venture. I know how to challenge him to live his best life, and I’m there with unconditional support through the good and bad that life has to offer.  I’m his best friend.

When we connect with other people and invite them into our bed, we have sex with them.  I am very careful about how I state that: we have sex with them, we do not make love with them.  Sex with others is fun. It’s energizing; it’s a confidence booster; it reveals new desires and ways to experience pleasure.  It does not satisfy my soul. Only sex with Mr. Jones can do that for me. Mr. Jones and I make love. We look into each other’s eyes and we just know that we love each other in a way that no one else can mess with.

Here’s the big takeaway:  the people that we play aren’t interested in interfering with our relationship.  They have relationships of their own. They could write the exact same blog that you are reading right now.  That’s why we like them, and that’s why we are brave enough to invite them into our bedroom. We choose couples who have the same story as us.  They are soulmates too. They are best friends. That’s what we find so sexy about them.

And that’s why sex with others is fun.  When you meet the right people, yes there’s lots of love in the room.   But it’s love flowing from partner to partner. The emotion flowing between the two couples is just genuine affection among friends.  The fact that they display their love both in front of us and with us creates an amazing level of trust and connection that can evolve into a lifelong friendship.  But we save the love for our partners, and that’s the reason I can share my marriage with others.